Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Trip to China: Part 7

Let's complain, shall we? Many american websites take a long time to load, and when they do they sometimes load strangely, and some don't load at all. I'm very fortunate that works, or else I wouldn't be able to post these blogs, although it's incorrigibly in Chinese for some reason, as I've mentioned previously. While blogger sort of works, for some reason I can't read people's blogs at (where blogger posts). I have a few friends who have posted blogs since I've been here that I haven't been able to read because of this. And they only publish the first few sentences to aggregators like google reader. They also choose not to import the notes into facebook, like I do (although I suspect it would only publish the first few sentences as well). Sorry for the geeky talk, the biggest problem is, I can't even see my own blog once I've posted them unless I wait for it to import to facebook and read it there. Stupid? Yes, very stupid. I also suspect, as I will very cautiously hypothesise, that it has something to do with the gof-erm-ent being comi-you-nest (I wrote that in code in case this blog is being scanned electronically). I am 86% serious, btw. I remember reading something about Ch*na blocking certain websites. Blogs would be an obvious target, where someone could potentially read other people's negative opinions about the gof-erm-ent. So I continue to work around the frustrating roadblocks. I'm like a ninja that way. And other ways, like how I can lift rocks with my mind. Oh, I'm like a Jedi too. Like how I can talk to animals and control fire and my skin is silver. Oh, I'm like captain planet too. Like how I have no eyebrows and dreads of power. Oh, I'm like Whoopie Goldberg too.

-SIDEBAR is Whoopie Goldberg Jewish? This thought popped in my head the other day for the first time in my life, and it flipped my world upside down. All the evidence is there. She hangs out with a bunch of Jews (Billy Crystal), she's a comedian in show business (sort of), and her last name is freaking Goldberg! Think about it!

So I don't have tons more to report because my Chinese "friends" bailed on me for karaoke again. God must know of a man waiting for me at karaoke with a gun poised to strike, because he's making it very unlikely that I'll go. I can see him now... "I kill next irriot who sing stupid Jesse's Girl." All I want is to do the robot while singing Mr. Roboto and grabbing an old Chinese man by the shirt while screaming in his face "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto!!". I know it's Japanese, and that's especially why I want to do it! He likely wouldn't know what I was singing and be scared out of his mind! Please God, PLEASE let this happen!! But alas, my Chinese friends have to work 57 hours a week. Well boo-freaking-hoo. Actually that sucks, and I can't imagine how they do that every week, but still! STILL!! DOMO (domo) ... DOMO (domo).

So I'm going to delve into a little bit of funkiness, so miss Jackson, if you're nasty, take a seat, but get the kids out of the room. Are they gone? Ok, the toilets here are a hole in the ground. Literally. I don't completely understand how they are supposed to work. I think it's a squatting sort of situation. You ask how I still don't know on my 7th day here? I have a huge large intestine and a sphincter like a steal trap. Just kidding, and that was really gross. The bathrooms at the hotel are western style. But sometimes at work, nature calls and I must keep nature at bay. I tried once, and if it's not too graphic, nearly pissed all over my pants. I gave up on any further transaction and ran for my life. Chinese people must have thighs of steal and amazing aim. Or they crap all over themselves. Guys, I understand not wanting to become too western, but Jesus, a hole in a log is better than this. I hope the gof-erm-ent is reading this part and drafting a law as we speak. The Constipation Proclamation is what I suggest calling it guys, if you are reading this. Also, please let me leave the country Friday cause I've got a show to do back home. Thanx :)

So that's all I've got for now. I hope you guys are keeping Ohio the same, or better than when I left it. Upon my arrival, I expect trumpets and handmaidens. And someone call a juggler, but if he can't make it on short notice, that's ok too. Those guys are hard to book.


Angela said...

I looked it up. Whoopi Goldberg is an atheist. She chose the stage name Goldberg (her real name is Caryn Elaine Johnson) after some Jewish ancestors of hers. And apparently her father was a "clergyman", although I'm not sure in what religion.

GBtG said...

I seriously read the line about the "gof-erm-ent being comi-you-nest" like 10 times before I got it. Then I laughed out loud. :-)